Years and years (and years) ago, when I was a young girl, fascinated with the notion of writing my own stories, I received encouragement from a cousin a couple years older. He told me such things as I would need to rewrite my draft, possibly more than once. I didn't want to hear it, but he was right. I found his stories funny, silly and delightful, and I basked in the knowledge that he was willing to spare a few minutes to encourage me in my endeavors.
We recently started communicating via the internet, and he revealed he had started writing again. (Again? I did give it up after a particularly horribly comment made by my first husband, and that was the blackest two years of my life.) I don't know how long he went without writing, but I was happy to hear he was re-discovering it.
And I guess we've come full circle. Now I find myself encouraging him. Have you thought about doing this with your story? Would it make more sense if your character did this? Your rough draft doesn't have to be perfect; rewriting is part of the process, remember?
Encouragement and suggestions from other writers are why authors join writer's groups and go to critique sessions. Another example is last year's critique sessions at Worldcon in Austin. I had been shopping around a fantasy, and kept getting rejected, so what I wanted to know was, is there something wrong with this opening that I'm not seeing? The comments I received gave me some direction for my next rewrite of that opening. I was thrilled.
If a writer's group or critiquer gives you the impression your writing is crap, don't go to that group or person again. My husband and I quit one writer's group because one person in the group kept pointing out our 'mistakes' without saying anything kind or nice about our efforts. That's not encouragement, and it's not helpful.
So, way to go, cousin! I really like what you've written, even though I'm not sure I like any of your characters. Your description in that story is great, it really sets the tone. Oh, and by the way... Welcome back to writing.